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psusnoop
04-27-2011, 12:42 PM
The gorilla, the guy, and the balls
A guy walked out to get his mail in the morning. He turns around and there is a gorilla. So he runs back inside, opens the yellow pages, finds the only gorilla exterminator in town, and calls him. The exterminator arrives in a little truck towing a cage. The exterminator has a ladder, a gun, and a dog.
The guy says, "How are you going to get the gorilla off my roof?"
"I am going to put the ladder up against the side of the house, get up there, wrestle the gorilla, and toss him off the side of the house. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla by his balls and drag him into the cage."
"What is the gun for then?"
"If the gorilla throws me off the roof first, shoot the dog before I hit the ground!"

JBHuskers
04-27-2011, 01:05 PM
:D :D

Did you hear about the cross-eyed seamstress....she couldn't mend straight.

psusnoop
04-27-2011, 01:14 PM
A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.

A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"

The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

psusnoop
04-27-2011, 01:16 PM
:D :D

Did you hear about the cross-eyed seamstress....she couldn't mend straight.


:D

psusnoop
04-27-2011, 01:21 PM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

psuexv
04-27-2011, 02:21 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them all right away. The bartender asks what he is celebrating and the guy says my first blow job. Hell says the bartender here's one in the house. The guy replies, thanks but if the 1st 5 didn't take the taste out of my mouth I don't think a 6th is going to help

psuexv
04-27-2011, 02:21 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?

morsdraconis
04-27-2011, 03:02 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a giant boat steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender looks at him strangely and says, "Why have you got a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

JBHuskers
04-27-2011, 03:26 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a giant boat steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender looks at him strangely and says, "Why have you got a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

And you gave me shit for posting a Rick Roll :smh: :D

ram29jackson
04-27-2011, 03:28 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a giant boat steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender looks at him strangely and says, "Why have you got a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."


:rolleyes::down::bang:....:P

ram29jackson
04-27-2011, 03:31 PM
2 Jews walk into a Bar..and they buy it !


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE

ram29jackson
04-27-2011, 03:36 PM
I heard this years ago and think its great !


West Side Story is a great movie ! but there is something that seems strange..?

you mean to tell me,.. a white guy is running all over Spanish Harlem, yelling "Maria, Maria ,Maria!"

and only one girl looks out her window ??????

ram29jackson
04-27-2011, 03:37 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE

psusnoop
04-27-2011, 04:37 PM
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

morsdraconis
04-27-2011, 05:45 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2ALsvU50wQ

psusnoop
06-13-2011, 11:32 AM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi."
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
we ll tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

baseballplyrmvp
06-27-2011, 07:45 PM
what did the egg say to the boiling water?

sorry....its gonna take me a while to get hard. i just got laid by that chick over there.

ram29jackson
06-27-2011, 07:52 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi."
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
we ll tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

too many Red Bull commercials for you :D

ram29jackson
06-27-2011, 07:54 PM
what did the egg say to the boiling water?

sorry....its gonna take me a while to get hard. i just got laid by that chick over there.

:D beat it with your bad jokes....I of course mean like beating an egg..

JBHuskers
06-27-2011, 09:23 PM
Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."

Husband: "How can we find out which?"

Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."

ram29jackson
06-27-2011, 09:47 PM
Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."

Husband: "How can we find out which?"

Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A&feature=related

JBHuskers
07-05-2011, 02:44 PM
So I guess this verdict means I can date Casey Anthony now right?

psusnoop
07-05-2011, 04:30 PM
So I guess this verdict means I can date Casey Anthony now right?

:D

morsdraconis
07-05-2011, 04:59 PM
http://patrishka.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/b-casey-anthony-lays-s-4235ab0f1765.jpeg

http://a11news.com/images/casey-anthony-trial.jpg


:dunno:

I wouldn't blame ya.

JBHuskers
09-06-2011, 12:43 PM
What do you get when you put a lesbian in the freezer?

A klondike.

jaymo76
09-06-2011, 11:54 PM
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Oh man... that's bad

baseballplyrmvp
09-14-2011, 09:18 PM
skip bayless, the other morning on first take, told this one....

"i asked tony romo if he had change for a dollar last night and he said he only had 75 cents....too bad he didnt have a 4th quarter!"

morsdraconis
09-15-2011, 07:09 AM
skip bayless, the other morning on first take, told this one....

"i asked tony romo if he had change for a dollar last night and he said he only had 75 cents....too bad he didnt have a 4th quarter!"

Skip is such a douche....

morsdraconis
11-27-2011, 12:34 AM
How do you make a *** fuck a cunt? Shit in her cunt.

baseballplyrmvp
12-20-2011, 11:20 PM
kinda nsfw

http://files.sexyandfunny.com/photos/img_orig/img4ef02a3d675d9.jpg

baseballplyrmvp
02-11-2012, 10:59 AM
too bad i didnt find this one 2 months ago:


Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

baseballplyrmvp
02-11-2012, 11:01 AM
dp

JBHuskers
02-23-2012, 01:17 PM
Rihanna just won the Grammy for best chin. #NoGlassJaw

baseballplyrmvp
07-08-2012, 05:13 PM
http://hcd-1.imgbox.com/aakqDfyl.jpg?st=NttEFaJZZGl66tbXC9Ny9Q&e=1341786961

JBHuskers
10-26-2012, 09:55 AM
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.

http://www.calif-tech.com/photoblog/biker2.jpg

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

psusnoop
10-26-2012, 10:16 AM
:D

baseballplyrmvp
10-26-2012, 10:59 PM
:fp: :D

ram29jackson
10-28-2012, 10:08 PM
Dress up like Nostradamus for Halloween and every time you talk to someone, just say "I knew you were going to say that "

JBHuskers
10-30-2012, 12:21 PM
Due to Hurrican Sandy #toosoon? I've put together a couple ;)

Due to Hurricane Sandy, they say the Jersey Shore has been wiped out. By wiped out, they mean cleaned up.

Someone tell Snooki that putting her baby out in Hurricane Sandy doesn't count as baptism.

Try the veal.

JBHuskers
12-20-2012, 05:01 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

baseballplyrmvp
01-15-2013, 10:04 AM
did you guys hear about the butcher? he backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

JBHuskers
01-15-2013, 10:44 AM
:fp:

JBHuskers
01-15-2013, 10:45 AM
That joke sounds like it should have been on Florentines Bad Jokes album from an old comedy notebook he found when he was first starting out :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alv9TMU1jcc

psuexv
02-18-2013, 09:25 AM
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,”Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin…”Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!”

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, and ask him “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion answers, “Every time he’s on Ecstasy that little f*cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours!”.

psuexv
12-10-2013, 08:22 AM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "Geez! I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff except me!"
.